i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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