my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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