Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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