Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
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