Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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