i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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