I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
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