If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
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