He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
