she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
