I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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