I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
