mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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