Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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