was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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