I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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