so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I don't deserve a penis
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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