You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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