You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
