we're chasing vodka with high fives
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
