Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
