I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Randomize
