He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
