I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
