four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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