My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
you traded sex for a burrito?
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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