You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
