I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
This is my life. Enjoy the view
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
