he puts the penis in happiness.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
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