You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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