Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Randomize
