Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
