I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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