We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
