It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
