why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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