I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
