He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
