If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
3 2 1 whiskey
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
