Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Sorry my hands just texted you
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
