I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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