The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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