ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
