But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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