I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
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