Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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