so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
