I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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