I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
