Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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