There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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