Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
