youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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